I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
