Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He has the fingertips of a God
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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