I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
