i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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