How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
