if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
