what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize