My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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