Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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