I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
