I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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