Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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