I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize