Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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