Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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