At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
