now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
