if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I want her autograph on my taint
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
