cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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