did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
