Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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