I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
