I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
