I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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