what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
