how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
