I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
