I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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