I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
