Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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