Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
