How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
