Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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