i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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