Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
