She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
