sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
