i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
