I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
