I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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