Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
