No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
