His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
