I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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