i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
