Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
