Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize