Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im having a threesome with these popsicles
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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