What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
