you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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