and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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