Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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