hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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