smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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