Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
