I'd wear matching sweaters with you
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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