I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How's work?
Spinning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
