I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
