The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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